| Communication takes courage and an open heart. There is so much fear in authentically sharing and speaking our feelings that many times we chose not to communicate. This leaves us assuming the worst-case scenario and feeling confused, not to mention insecure. There are many reasons why we are afraid to communicate. What if the other person doesn’t get what I am saying? What if they don’t love me anymore? What if they judge me? What if I can’t articulate myself? What if they get defensive? What if I end up alone? What if I don’t even know what I am trying to convey? Open communication may feel especially difficult if you identify as highly sensitive and have a tendency to people please. People pleasing is a tendency that many sensitive and heart centered people experience. Here is a definition of people pleasing “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” (psychologytoday.com). As a former people pleaser, I know how much fear and trauma comes up when we want to share what’s deep within us with another. There have been many conversations that I didn’t have because my nervous system would rev up before I began. I would be in tears and then beat myself up for feeling so overwhelmed. I would actually feel unsafe and my nervous system would respond by trying to protect me. It’s important to understand that people pleasing isn’t only a habit, sometimes it is a trauma response that we developed over time and this is why it can feel so scary to stop and communicate feelings. This means there will be a lot of fear, anxiety, and emotion present when we share our true feelings or make choices that put our needs first. Yet, there is no way around it, when the flood gates open, it is time to face your fears head on and go for it. You’ll eventually challenge yourself to meet these fears and speak honestly. You may even notice that there is a piece of you that won’t feel free until you speak your truth. After you might realize that it was about what you thought, it was about loving yourself. Many people experience the same challenges when it comes to honest communication. Where do we begin? Our truth is not one thing but a big messy ball of present emotion and past pain. I believe there is a way to effectively communicate our biggest fears and feelings without attacking another or needing a response to feel complete. Here are some steps to take before communicating: Get clear about your feelings – Shine a light on what is underlying your anger, disappointment, or frustration. We don’t always have relationships that are willing to go to the next level which is why it is inherent that you feel a sense of peace and trust in your own feelings before you reach out to another. For anyone that needs this reminder: you are allowed to have feelings, you are allowed to be confused and ask for clarity, you are allowed to take UP SPACE. Use “I” language – once we become clear on what we are feeling we can speak up for ourselves and describe it to another without attacking or blaming them as this leads to defensiveness and more miscommunication. Your goal is to effectively share your feelings. Soothe your nervous system – doing breathwork, grounding, and self-talk are important for your nervous system. Remind yourself that you are safe and take the steps you need to acknowledge your need for love. Love yourself by honoring your sensitivities instead of beating yourself up. Empower Yourself- Communication is about YOU, though we are talking about a relationship and that means there is more than one person. No one else has more power in your life than you – take it back by placing security, love and acceptance within yourself. It is not something we get or need from others. This is the inner work I facilitate in one-on-one coaching. Accept the Other’s Truth- There are always two sides to every story and in a relationship, there will be two perspectives and agendas, two histories and backgrounds – if you are ready to honor yourself by sharing vulnerably, also be willing to acknowledge the other person. If you want them to listen, you need to be able to listen. If you want them to accept you as you are, then you need to be able to accept them as they are. This requires depth of honesty with yourself – what expectations or assumptions have you been holding that you can now release? I hope this supports you in knowing that you are not alone in your fear of authentic communication, nor is it only a path for those who are skilled. It is possible to share from your heart with a loved one once we get clear on our feelings, take responsibility for honoring them, face our fears, nurture + nourish our nervous systems and make space for acceptance ourselves and others now. |
