Do you spend your time and energy focused on pleasing others, helping others, or generally putting other’s needs in front of your own? Do you long to set loving limits but get overwhelmed and scared of making changes? If you answered yes to the above, I am about to explain the real reason you struggle with boundaries.
There is an elephant in the room whenever people discuss creating boundaries and sticking to them. We know what needs to be done, we have a few options of how to communicate our needs, and we deeply want this to change; however, we end up repeating old patterns and staying stuck with the feelings of exhaustion and resentment.
“The missing piece to this equation is YOU.
“setting boundaries with loved ones is really setting boundaries with yourself.”
You might already feel like arguing why this is not true, or wanting to explain what’s going on, but stick with me here. Pointing the finger at other’s and blaming them for YOUR OWN actions is not going to get you where you want to be.
Healthy, happy, and mutually supported relationships with clear limits do exist if you are willing to change. Sometimes this means saying goodbye, but often you do not need to say goodbye to the relationship, rather you say goodbye to an older version of yourself. This is a big part of the reason it feels scary – change is uncomfortable.
I have always struggled with boundaries and never wanted to change until I realized that I was harming myself in the process of “helping” others. Saying yes to phone conversations, events, and giving support and advice until I literally felt suffocated. Most people with a sensitive nature soak up other people’s energy and if it is painful, it will create stress within your own system. Which is why we want to take over using our intuition and mind to make those feelings go away for everyone. So much more to say here, but I’ll stop for now.
If you truly want to break the habit of being totally drained and overwhelmed because you feel that you need to support your loved ones or take on their problems because of your sensitive nature, you need to focus on YOU.
Here are some guiding questions to support your inner inquiry:
Why do you need to find solutions to their problems? Why do you feel responsible? Why is it easier to focus on others instead of yourself? Why are you choosing or attracting these types of relationships? Is there something you are avoiding within?
Believe it or not, beneath the answers to these questions lies the key to healthy boundaries. Because underlying your desire to be nice, to people please, to support others, to fix problems, to help out is FEAR.
Fear of being abandoned, fear of losing loved ones, fear of feeling pain (theirs and your own) and a deep avoidance of your true self.
Yes, it might be in your nature to nurture others and that is a beautiful gift; one the world needs and is a blessing, however, if this is resulting in you harming yourself and ignoring your own needs, it is a problem to address, learn from and heal.
Luckily, you can do this right now by shining the spotlight on yourself and getting curious about the above questions.
Sending you love and blessings on your journey! If you are interested in learning more about setting healthy boundaries and overcoming your need to please others, please reach out to me for some amazing opportunities!
