“Let your envy teach you something about what is possible for you.”
In my mid-twenties I worked as the director of events at a holistic retreat venue and I was constantly meeting new people. Because of the style and location of the venue many clients were artists, healers, spiritually inclined, self-employed and off the beaten path.
Interestingly, I felt a hint of jealousy and envy every time I met someone, and they told me about their life’s work or passion projects. I say a hint because it wasn’t exactly jealousy. It was an internal soft pinch or push inviting me to notice something important. Yes, there are even layers to jealousy!
It seemed odd at the time as many of the artists were much older and at a different place in life than me. I could understand my jealousy of friends that had accomplished something I was working towards. Or noticing someone at the beach walking confidently in a bikini. These were triggers I was familiar with. I consciously understood where they stemmed.
However, being triggered by a woman in her sixties (I was 25 at the time) who had a ceramic studio in her garage or a man that carves wood statues at the beach surprised me. I became curious about it and with time realized this underlying pinch like feeling resulted from disconnection from myself.
It reminded me of a similar pinch I felt in college. When I received the results of an essay, I felt that same soft inner pang – this time it was disappointment rather than envy. A sign that I did care more than I consciously realized about writing.
I remember wondering why I was bothered by my results. “I didn’t even try that hard” – one of my unconscious ways of avoiding rejection. Yet, I still felt rejected. Not putting myself out there was a protection mechanism because if I did try and didn’t do well then, I’d feel the pain of failure.
Out of all the modalities of art, writing was and still is my favorite way to express myself and connect with others. As a sensitive and emotional empath, expressing the layers of feeling I experience is paramount to my health.
As I took the time to dig a little deeper and learn about these feelings of envy through journaling, shadow work, and expression, I realized that I had rejected and repressed my own creative expression from a young age. I didn’t see myself as creative or artistic nor did I know how to begin to express myself.
Shadow work is dealing with the unconscious parts of yourself that you have denied to fit in and stay safe at a younger age. For example, if crying was frowned upon growing up, you may have learned that it is not ok to cry and express big emotions. Or that big emotions are bad, so you learned how to hold it in rather than let it out at the appropriate place and time.
One thing that amazed me was learning about the Golden Shadow, like the shadow, this is parts of ourselves that we have rejected from a younger age due to socialization and appropriateness but rather than the dark parts we don’t like or feel comfortable with, this is the golden light that holds our authentic nature, creativity, personal power and intuition.
For example, maybe a friend at school was intimidated by your strong opinions or a parent wanted you to choose clothes that were appropriate; you might then unconsciously stop expressing yourself through these authentic traits and demonstrations of passionate expression.
I don’t have an exact memory of this for myself. I do know for years I was afraid to express myself outside of journaling. This included using my voice to speak up and say what felt true to me.
It wasn’t until I began to play with different modalities of intuitive expression on my own, without the direction of a teacher, that my hands and soul would support me to move through and begin owning my desire to express rather than repress it all. My favorite part of intuitive expression is that it doesn’t need to make sense, mean something, nor does it need to be explained to anyone.
I have found that creativity not only heals your life, but it also energizes your life because you reconnect with your soul, you express the parts of you that are repressed and you make space for your intuition to be heard. Supporting others in expressing what has been hidden deep within them is now my life’s passion and purpose.
If you struggle with self-expression or have felt this inner pinch towards something in your life, I invite you to remember that creativity and imagination are all you need to move forward and create the life you dream of! Whether you want to pursue a passion project, start a business, or parent with ease – shining a light on your shadow and embracing your golden shadows will get you to where you want to go.
Peace, Love and Light,
Orly
