“As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears.” Rumi
Growing up my family experienced many ups and downs financially. The money stress was constant, and I remember wanting reliability. I decided at a young age I wanted a normal job that gave me health insurance, consistency, and safety.
I never wanted to live through the fear of what’s going to happen if we don’t have money to pay the rent or bills. More than anything I wanted to take away the pain my parents felt when they worried about making ends meet. Like most kids, I would try to come up with solutions and dreams of earning enough to support my family so that I could fix the pain.
When I graduated from college and accepted a safe job, I was ecstatic. I’d finally have that safety net. Except as the weeks went by, I felt my soul draining from my body. I was so unhappy and unsatisfied. It didn’t make sense. This was what I wanted. A job in my field of study that offered a constant and reliable paycheck.
I decided it wasn’t the job that was the problem, it was my horrible boss, who for some reason hated me and decided to embarrass me often. I felt like a failure, and I unsuccessfully tried to win her approval so I could feel good.
I made my dislike of the job about the unhealthy relationship with my boss and assumed a different job would make me happier. I started sending out resume after resume till I got another job. The next job offered me more flexibility, more respect and love from my boss, yet I still felt deeply unfulfilled.
It was at the job that something magical happened. As the director of events of a venue I was constantly meeting new people and because of the style and location of the venue many clients were artists, healers, spiritually inclined, self-employed and off the beaten path.
I admired them, they were unique, eclectic, had freedom in their schedules and had the courage to follow their hearts. I was attracted to their style and energy.
I didn’t know how much they earned, but what mattered more was that I discovered examples of people making decisions from a different mindset. The more I spoke with these unique individuals the more I realized that my career decisions were made out of fear. In contrast, their lifestyle was surrounded by creativity, joy, and flow. Something I had rarely experienced at the time.
I wanted what they had. They seemed passionate about their work, they seemed happy to share it but not trying hard to sell it. As if they were doing it for themselves and not only for the potential income aka safety.
I started to get curious about what it was that I truly wanted. What was and where was my creative expression hiding. It was this same job that unknowingly led me to a meeting with Marianne Williamson, a writer I had always admired.
Sitting there at a breakfast meeting with Marianne, it clicked, I wanted to write, I wanted to help others, and I wanted to support people through my writing by guiding them back to themselves like she did. Just like with the clients I had met at the event venue, I saw possibilities modeled by another and I realized, it was possible for them, then it is for me.
I began to remember how writing always impacted me and how I cared about it in a way that I didn’t care about other subjects in school. Of course, at the time, I didn’t write, aside from journaling and graduate school essays. I didn’t know how to begin a wellness writing career and the fear of failure kept me stuck. Still, my unhappiness and curiosity led me to take risks and invest in myself.
I started researching coaching, counseling, and healing programs even though my student loan debt loomed high. I decided to keep my job at the time and participate in programs that we’re flexible with my schedule.
I continued following this uncertain road towards what I loved not knowing if it would lead me anywhere. However, I did have the will to connect deeper with myself. I wanted to express myself and feel creative. I wanted a career that I loved and the chance to follow my dreams of helping others realize there was more to life through intuitively coaching and writing.
It was a windy road and when I look back, I see that I was always looking for external validation. I was hard on myself and beat myself up when things didn’t go as planned – which was all the time. I’d measure my self-worth based on acceptance emails and clients signing up until I remembered that it wasn’t about that.
It was about doing what I love, doing what makes me feel alive. Creating and offering something that makes you come alive is the paycheck. Its essence is what fulfilled me and kept be going on this path.
Once I left my full-time job and embraced being an entrepreneur I danced back and forth, forgetting, and remembering why I was choosing a different path. This took willpower. I was determined to live a life driven by love, taking chances and that meant failing often and facing the unknowns that arrive with an unconventional job.
I had months where I wanted to quit or start something new or faced constant rejection. It hurt. It made me question myself and my worth. I took breaks, changed my mind, found different jobs, judged myself and then repeated this cycle again.
Although it isn’t always easy finding and keeping a job you love; it is possible to search within yourself and make choices that support your journey. The first step for me was recognizing the models and teachers that were walking the path. If you see it is possible in another, it is possible in you. I believe we are all reflections of one another. If you don’t see it in yourself, open your eyes, and remember if another person achieved it, its in you too.
While discovering there is a part of you that loves and wants something may lead you on a new journey, it won’t keep you there unless you are willing to fail. Giving myself permission to fail meant that things wouldn’t always be perfect or smooth and that I could still move forward despite the lets downs and hang ups that arouse.
I learned from these experiences that there is not a right way or a wrong way to follow your dream job. I know people who work full time and have their dream jobs as side business and vice versa. Our vision for our dream jobs don’t always match the experience and it takes flexibility, and resiliency to keep moving forward. However, I know that staying true to dreams will always lead you back to your soul and when we are connected to our soul, we remember anything is possible.
