I was anxiously scrolling the internet; my heart was pounding, and my body temperature felt like a volcano’s molten lava. The darkness of the room reflected what I felt inside, fear and desperation. I longed to feel better and be a new mother that had energy to care for her baby.
Of course, nothing good can come of late-night research when you received bad news from a doctor. Yet, there I was doing what I knew would only cause more fear and I already promised my husband I would stop searching for evidence of my impending doom.
At 6 weeks postpartum my external and internal reality began to break down. I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t get out of bed or leave the house and my heart was constantly pounding. My doctors reassured me that these were all normal postpartum symptoms. I constantly, told myself this is normal. Rather than question the doctors, I questioned myself. “Do I really feel that bad?” Am I making this up? Is it just me?
However, my gut told me something was wrong, and I had to figure out a way to heal. After my labs returned, I learned that I had Hashimotos Thyroiditis an autoimmune disease defined as an “illness caused by the immune system attacking healthy tissues, where immune-system cells lead to the death of the thyroid’s hormone-producing cells. The disease usually results in a decline in hormone production (hypothyroidism).
Initially, I was happy to learn there was a name to what I was experiencing and that I wasn’t inventing these symptoms. However, as time passed, my physical symptoms disheartened my hope of getting better. The darkness returned as depression set up camp and I became unsure of myself.
We all want change and growth, however many of us are unwilling and unable to make these changes until something drastic happens — enter a health diagnosis. When we have the misfortune of hearing “bad news” about our health, we begin to take the messages our body is sending us more seriously.
Looking back, I see that there was a clear mourning process that I experienced regarding both my life transition to motherhood as well as my health diagnosis. The 5 Stages of Grief were apparent throughout the journey.
At first there was denial, “what does this mean?” And “how did this happen to me?” Then arrived anger, “this is my doctor’s fault!” and “I don’t deserve this!” Followed by bargaining, “But I have always been healthy.” and “Maybe, I can pray my way through this?”
Lastly, the stage that brings true healing arrived — acceptance, and the questions the followed changed my life, “what am I going to do about it? What isn’t working well in my life? What supports my health and what does not?”
A health diagnosis sets off a domino effect of looking deeper within our lives to feel better and heal. It is not ONLY about our physical health –every area of our lives shifts to re-establish homeostasis. Just as an orchestra has many working pieces and each play a role in the symphony, so do our bodies. For me that meant I needed to look at my relationships, career, family, and recreation as well as physical health.
Once, I had reached acceptance about my diagnosis; the universe sent me a bright light in the form of a book. The Adrenal Thyroid Revolution by Dr. Romm shifted my journey and led me to embrace my health. The moment I opened the first page, I felt a weight lift off my chest.
The book detailed and thoroughly explained my symptoms and shed light on my experience. Suddenly, I didn’t feel alone or confused about my health. I had a guidebook that taught me what questions to ask my doctor and empowered me to act. Most importantly, I didn’t continue second guessing myself, I knew this was real even if others couldn’t see it or thought it was the “normal” postpartum journey.
Dr. Romm shares, “there are “25 million Americans with thyroid disease, as many as 50% do not realize they have it and remain undiagnosed. Most sufferers are women.” As someone who has carried the burden and “thought it was just me” for most of my life, I felt validated. Because I felt validated, I gave myself permission to be honest with myself.
Each seemingly small change and realization has the power to alter your life. Once I changed my perspective about having Hashimoto’s, educated myself and began communicating openly about it, I choose to be honest about other areas that impacted my mental health.
I began taking small steps forward that not only balanced my thyroid levels but shifted every part of my health. For instance, learning that diet may help improve thyroid levels, I decided to remove gluten which I would have never done. I started paying attention to ingredient labels and cooking creative meals. Not only did my brain fog vanish, but my weekly stomachaches disappeared. I had never realized that I had a gluten sensitivity before that.
Instead of seeing my diagnosis as a bad thing, it started to feel like the catalyst for change in all areas of my life. Rather than walking into the doctor’s office with my head down, I began having the courage to communicate openly and had evidence to back it up and support my questions (I brought The Adrenal Thyroid Revolution into the office with me).
Once you can advocate for yourself in one area of your life, you are more inclined to do it in other areas. I found my voice to express what I was feeling and what was best for me in my personal and work relationships. I began setting healthy boundaries with family, friends, and clients.
Since childhood, people pleasing had been my route to a false sense of security. I wanted to fit in, and I wanted to feel safe so I would say yes and commit to obligations that didn’t feel right to me. I would spend hours talking on the phone to a friend or working late when I was exhausted and overstimulated. I would sign up for courses, attend events and buy things to support others and make them feel good instead of genuinely doing what I wanted.
With the goal of honoring my health, I started to learn what it was that I truly wanted. I wanted the freedom to be myself and be in alignment with my actions.
Rather than people please my way through life and say yes to obligations out of fear, I had the courage to say no because I knew my stress levels would be negatively impacted. I could clearly see what was “too much” for me and I accepted my bodies’ messages with love rather than forcing it forward.
I realized that there were so many different sensitivities that impacted my health and that I could now make changes to support myself. For most of my life, I thought there was something wrong with me because I was so sensitive to people, food, stress, and conflict. Basically, any overstimulation threw off my nervous system. I would force myself to do it anyway because that seemed right.
My health diagnosis allowed me to embrace my highly sensitive nature. I discovered that 20 percent of the population is highly sensitive and as Dr. Aron of The Highly Sensitive Person writes, “may need to live differently if you are going to be in healthy harmony with your highly sensitive body”.
A light turned on and started showing me that I was completely capable of honoring my whole self by taking care of my health. I accepted the parts of myself that I once judged as weird. I spoke up for myself rather than giving my power away to others.
I am not sugar coating the challenges that come along with a health diagnosis, but I am happy to say that if you are willing, even bad news can change your life for the better. Once I began to trust my feelings rather than deny them, take simple action steps toward feeling better and communicate clearly what I was experiencing and why, my sense of self grew.
I stopped trying to fit into the mold and I created my own. I finally allowed myself to be who I was rather than fit in and pleasing others. I can without a doubt say that my health diagnosis led me to be the most authentic version of myself.
